Pagninilay sa Bisperas ng Bagong Taon

Ngayong 2011, ititigil ko na ang paghahanap ko sa sarili. Hindi pala pwedeng hanapin ang hindi naman talaga nawawala. Magpapakahusay na lang ako sa mga dapat kong gawin sa buhay. Gawing halimbawa si Lee Candelaria (naks!) May ilang buwan na lamang para magpakahusay sa pagtuturo. Pagkatapos nito, saka na ako magdedesisyon kung anong daan ang susunod na tatahakin.

Tigib ng pighati ang 2010. Kagabi hanggang kaninang umaga ay muli kong binalikan ang mga naging bahagi ng masayang pag-ibig. At tuluyang binura sa memorya ng aking mga telepono. Sana maging pagsisimula rin ito ng paglimot. Tapos na ang mga araw na nagdadalamhati at nangangarap, panahon na upang harapin ang realidad. Batid ko namang may naghihintay din sa aking magandang kapalaran. Kung saan at kailan ko ito matutunghayan, iyon ay hindi ko alam. At hindi ko rin iyon hahanapin. Kusa siyang darating sa tamang panahon at pagkakataon. Hangad ko ang kaligayan para sa mga taong nagdusa dahil sa akin. Nawa'y makamit ninyo ang kapayapaan ng damdamin sa taong darating at sa mga susunod pa.

Ibabalik ko ang dating kahusayan -- sa pag-aaral man o sa aspetong propesyunal. Muli kong paninidigan ang tungkuling iniatas at taos-puso kong tinanggap apat na taon na ang nakararaan. Isa akong guro. Nakasampa sa aking mga balikat ang mga kabataang inaasahang makapagpapabago sa lipunang matagal nang nahihimbing sa kawalan.

Kailangan ko na ring tahakin ang sarili kong daan. Ako mismo ang gagawa nito. At sisimulan ko na sa madaling panahon. Lumilipas ang oras. Ang mga pangarap ay kailangang simulang buuin. Hindi ito kusang nabubuo. Kailangan ng pagkilos. At ako mismo ang dapat gumawa noon. Gagawin ko na. Aasikasuhin ko na ang mga dapat asikasuhin sa unang buwan ng taon para anuman ang mangyari, handa na ako. May magandang kinabukasang naghihintay sa ating lahat, iyon ay isang katotohanan ng buhay. Ngunit ito ay naghihintay para sa atin. Hindi ito darating nang kusa.

Tigib ng mga salita ang isip ko ngayon. Naisin ko mang isatitik ang mga ito, alam kong kukulangin ang mga pahina at mangangalay ang mga daliri ko. Ngunit isinisigaw ito ng puso ko. Panahon na para makinig. Baguhin ang sarili. Nang sa gayon, kahit sa isang tao man lang, ay may pagbabagong nasimulan.

Nawa'y kasihan tayo ng Maykapal. Isang mapagpalaya at mapayapang Bagong Taon sa ating lahat!

Fragments of My Mind

"Dreams tell us who we really are." - Eagletine (Legend of the Guardians)

Fragments of My Mind

‎"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it.... And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it." — Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

I want to go to Europe. Learn French or Spanish or German or Italian and be fascinated by their culture. I want to go to strange places, meet new people, make friends with strangers, live a life far from what is secure, safe and comfortable. Be adventurous. Break old habits and learn new ones.

Discover myself and the ever elusive happiness.

Fragments of My Mind

‎"The INTERNET's not written in pencil... it's written in ink." [The Social Network, 2010]

Fragments of My Mind

‎"I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter." - Walt Disney

Fragments of My Mind

‎"Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor." [Tan, 2008]

Fragments of My Mind

‎[my reply to a silly love quote sent by a friend]

Funny how such quotes seem to know so much and tell you a lot more about love when in reality, they couldn't explain in concrete and tangible terms the ecstasy of being in love and loved back; and the bitterness of a broken heart.

Fragments of My Mind

how i wish it's that easy to seize happiness... it's like a snitch. most of the time you have to be very keen in looking for it and determined in fighting hard to keep it. otherwise, you will lose it, so fast you never had the chance to close your fingers around it and savor its sweetness...

‎"Being sorry for myself is not one of my great pleasures."

-George Falconer [A Single Man, 2009]

On Healing

‎"...For others, the healing happens gradually. And it's not until months or years later that you realize you don't hurt anymore. ... But if you can make it through the first weeks and months; if you believe that healing is possible; then, you can get your life back. But that's a big IF."

[Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy, S7E10]

On Teaching as the Coolest Job on Earth

It is cool in the sense that we "mold the minds of the future" but it is extremely exhausting to note that, aside from vulnerable minds; we also deal with sometimes unreasonably demanding and at the same time irate parents; heaps of paperwork; mindracking graduate studies requirements; a wreck of a social life; and a few times, impossible colleagues!

But yeah... we have the coolest job on earth.

On Employment

I have finally decided to include in my blog the responses I made to friend's posts in facebook because such responses are (1) lengthy enough to be considered a blog and not just a tweet; (2) I make sense in these responses; and, (3) because they fit perfectly into my blog's title -- Breathing Space. So here:

On the subject of employment:

Speaking of employment, i went to a dinner and movie date with myself earlier and while chewing on slices of roasted chicken i started to ponder on the lives of the crew who must have been standing there for hours clearing tables and waiting on people and feigning a smile because they're all so exhausted and then suddenly i was brought back to the days when i used to do the same thing: take orders and stand for eight hours in front of the counter or at times host parties and on worst days, host an unreasonable irate customer.

and then it occurred to me how ungrateful i have become for asking for more when these hardworking food service people are earning way much lower and yet they still show up for work even if its the Holidays.

and yeah... my sentences are lengthy. and oh yeah! THANKS TO EMPLOYMENT!

Don't Work. Avoid Telling the Truth. Be Hated. Love Someone.

-----
Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008.
-----

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.




What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.




The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.




I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.




The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

It's Sunday evening and I'm supposed to be working on my learning plan and instructional materials for tomorrow but in spite of the heavy dinner (of bagnet, fried rice and fried egg) and a bag full of meringue, I still can't find the energy or the inspiration to commence working.

And then it came to me... that I believe I am most effective as a teacher when I'm using the board and the ever reliable yet sometimes dusty chalk as my only visual aid.

Then again, I really have to seriously prepare because class observations will start tomorrow until next week and I don't wish to have a rather mediocre mark on my observation sheet. Tsk tsk... I promised myself last night that I will start being productive and efficient and all the other adjectives that may be used to describe an awesome teacher. Okay, strike awesome out. The best teachers are not necessarily awesome. Strangely, I seem to have a very limited vocabulary when it comes to teachers and teaching! Ah well, who cares anyway?!

I'll jog with a few teacher-friends later... hoping to meet Inspiration somewhere around the Oval.

Reminiscing Cebu

Went back to Cebu, not with you though but with friends and colleagues. Surely I miss the times we spent together here: your smile and your makulit face; small surprises and grand gestures; how lakwatsero you are and a couch potato at the same time; and most importantly, how your hand always held mine and how we had fun. Thanks for introducing me to the amazing experience of flying and travelling. This was what we promised each other before when we were stil together. But now, sad but proud to say that I can fly now on my own. I missed you, yes. Especially while at the Cebu Airport where I imagined you standing outside the airport doors wearing your red shirt and that charming smile that spelled-- I-miss-you-too! Glad-you're-safe! I did wish that somewhere behind those doors you were there waiting to carry my luggage. But no. You're not there. You will never be there for me anymore.


It is certainly my fault for letting you go. It was something i had to do. Another life's numerous "what if's?" Yes, I resolved that issue already. Thank you very much. I already know now what I want in life and where I will be most happy. But I guess I was too late. You have finally moved on. And so must I. I was hoping I'd be able to muster enough courage to communicate with you again just to know how you are now. But I found out that you have decided to find your happiness with somebody else and so I have decided to leave you in peace. I don't want to cause you any trouble nor to deprive you of being happy with some one else that's why I'll go away now. I'll keep everything in a box and stash it away... Somewhere... Under the bed or in a cupboard. Any place where I can't easily see or touch them. I don't want to be reminded of the things I've lost forever. You have indeed moved on and so must I. I hope this will be the last time that I'll feel a slight pain in the chest everytime I go to the airport; board a plane; land in Cebu; or roam the city. I wish to remember it as something worth visiting. Not for the memories but for its colorful and historic past. I want to be a stranger to this place. I hope I'd lose the familiarity soon. I really do wish you well. So tonight, allow me to cry for you and regret everything that I've lost one last time.

A Message to a Friend

Dear Friendship, I am in such mental and emotional chaos that I'm actually prepared to fail the first sem of grad school. I'm sorry, Friendship, I went phoneless yeterday. I am still trying to work on my papers though, no matter how blurred my thoughts are. Thanks for being there. Don't worry I have no plans of killing myself. I'm too gorgeous and smart for that. Mao

Fragments of my Mind

Some people just don't know how to translate love into something concrete and believable. Words will always be words. At some point it will lose it's meaning. Eventually, you will wake up and realize that some people, no matter how much they try aren't really capable of loving you.

Playing hide and seek is getting too exhausting for me. So please, stop running away and face me.

Invictus by William Ernest Henley (1903)

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

How to be alone

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Sa akin lang

Namimiss ko ng maging masaya. Parang napaka-ilap naman ng kaligayahan. Hindi naman ganito dati. Hindi nga ako sanay sa ganito eh. Parang ang hirap tuloy ngayon kumilos araw-araw kasi may iniisip lagi. Pati ibang tao napapansin na rin. Siguro miserable daw lovelife ko. Hmmm... hindi naman siya "bed of roses" pero hindi rin naman ako miserable. Siguro hindi lang talaga ako sanay. Sabi nga, may kanya-kanya naman tayo ng pagiintindi at depinisyon ng pag-ibig. Marahil hindi lang kami magkatugma ng pananaw... o ng prayoridad. Ewan ko ba. Sana makaya ko. Kinakaya ko naman eh kaso mukhang matatagalan pa bago maging maayos ang lahat. Sana pagdating sa huli, andun pa rin ako. Kaso ang problema, baka sa sobrang paghahangad na makamit ang pangarap ay mawala sa atin ang isa't isa. Akala ko babae ang pinamahigpit kong magiging karibal. Hindi pala. Wala pala siyang kasarian. At dun ako lalong walang kalaban-laban.

Ayoko ng nag-iisa. Ayoko rin ng nag-iisip. Ayoko rin ng walang ginagawa kasi kung anu-ano pumapasok sa isip ko. Buti na lang hindi ko nasasabi dahil kung saka-sakali baka may mapaiyak na naman ako ng mga salita ko. Bayad-utang na ba 'tong nararanasan ko ngayon? Kung sakali man, sana ito na nga ang kabayaran sa mga nagawa ko. Dahil kung may mas malala pa rito baka bumigay na ako at masiraan ng bait.

Sana di ako magsawa. Sana di ako mapagod. Sana 'di ako nagiisa. Pagod na akong magbasa. Wala rin namang pumapasok sa isip ko kundi ikaw. Bahala na.

Fragments of My Mind

I wish there's a limit to a person's capacity to be sad. Because sometimes, whether you like it or not, the feeling just keeps coming back.

Fragments of My Mind

In this world of ours, uncertainty is the prevailing emotion.

Fragments of My Mind

You can not expect people to be always there for you... to follow your every bidding. But, surely, you can always be there for yourself especially if you have no one.

Fragments of My Mind

We all have our own definition of love. But at the back of our minds, we hope that someone somewhere has a definition, similar or close enough with ours.

Fragments of My Mind

I have seriously developed the habit of thinking out loud. And those are the times when I am most honest.

Fragments of My Mind

As teachers we should be dynamic and resilient. Otherwise, the future of this nation will be weaklings and we will forever fail as educators.

Fragments of My Mind

Once the storm is over, the sky will be clear again and if you're lucky enough, you may also see a rainbow. But it is not an assurance that it will never storm again. Oftentimes, the worst is yet to come.

Fragments of My Mind

If i could turn back time and be a kid forever, I would. Then everything can be solved by a coloring book or a chocolate drink. Not like this. Everything is way too complicated that even the largest library can only satisfy you for a while but the hurt is still there.

Fragments of My Mind

Bakit kaya ang sarap umiyak kapag umuulan? Siguro kasi andun yung pakiramdam na nakikiisa ang langit sayo.

Fragments of My Mind

It's easier to give up than to continue the struggle especially when you know that the future is bleak. Is the "now" worth fighting for?

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

To PAPA

Dear Papa,
    It's so nice to hear from YOU. It's been such a long time since I last read YOUR letters. I know you have constantly wanted to talk to me through those letters but I keep on stashing them away somewhere.
    I am sorry I never found the time to pause for a while and listen to YOU. My busy earthly duties and preoccupations indeed have taken a great hold of me that I couldn't even budge. I'm just so thankful that YOU are so patient with me. In spite of mu unwillingness to reconnect, YOU're still there… patiently waiting for me to respond or to simply nod or smile. YOU like it very much when I smile. It warms your heart. It makes you feel alive.
    Thank you, PAPA.
    "For your steadfast love never ceases. Your mercy never comes to an end. They are new every morning."
    I missed YOU a lot. I never realized how much until now. I am sorry for the times I disappointed you or if I continue to do so. I am sorry if I have forgotten you in the despite your wondrous gifts. My heart is aching with longing for you.
    I missed YOU a lot, PAPA. I couldn't write anymore. My heart is racing with words that my hand can't catch up.
    I love YOU, PAPA. So much.

 
                                                     Mao

In silence

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,

I shall not fear."

I rant.

I complain.

I cry.

I am stressed, troubled and

Uncertain.

I feel fear.

Hatred.

Betrayal.

The noise confuses me.

Alone.

I am hurt. Unappreciated.

I exhausted myself.

Too tired to even think nor breathe.

 

Suddenly,

You touched me.

And I became still.

The silence is deafening.

It is in silence that you spoke to me.

You were there all along.

Beckoning.

Patiently waiting.

Longing for me.

Loving me.

 

"Suffering is an option,

Happiness is a choice."

What will it be?

To suffer or to be happy?

Acceptance is the key.

 

Come.

Rest awaits in me.

 

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me.

I shall not fear."

Retreat expectations

 

Lord, help me to…

    Recharge my spirits;    

    Reflect on the year that was and the year ahead; and,

    Reconnect with my purpose.     

Amen.

Grey's Hangover

Just finished watching the season finale of Grey's Anatomy Season 6 and I must say, it's the best 2-hour episode ever. I was at the edge of my seats, my heart skipping, mouth-open, waiting for yet another shock. But after it all, it made me realize hoy wonderful it is to be a doctor. Although I'm pretty sure how exhausting and stressful it is, their dedication and desire to do their job indeed earn my respect.

The last two episodes of season 6 brought back the childhood dream killed 18 years ago. All of a sudden, a craving came to me. A desire to feel the excitement, the fear, the joy, the stress, and the pain of being a doctor. I suddenly felt the need to save lives... to cure and stop the pain instead of causing one.

Yes, I guess it's wonderful being a doctor. because you try your very best just to ease the pain and make things okay again... to repair hearts instead of breaking them.

I'm just happy that there are doctors out there...willing to go out of their way just to make you whole again. And probably regain your humanity, too.

Reminiscing UP Life with Best Friends

I just spent two days with college best friends. Roamed around UP... filed applications... tracked down profs... walked through the familiar corridors of AS, SC and FC...went inside UP Infirmary again... watched with glee how freshies underwent their routine physical exam (you should see their faces, they're so funny!)... rode IKOT and other UP PUV's... sat cross-legged by the LIB walk... walked to the OUR from AS and back... bought school supplies from Miranda (note: global warming, no plastics!)... had cold fruit shakes at Lutong-Bahay or Lutong Kapitbahay (whatever!) and spent hours there talking... went to the mall to watch a movie (just like we used to when we cut classes back then)...

and, chatted with, nodded, smiled, and laughed at familiar people, scenes and college routines long missed. Drenched in sweat, exhausted yet extremely HAPPY.

Masaya ako sa tuwing…

Masaya ako sa tuwing nakakabili o nakatatanggap ng aklat.

… naipaliliwanag ko ng maayos ang isang aralin.

… nakakakuha ng matataas na marka ang aking mga mag-aaral.

… naiintindihan nila ang mga tinuturo ko.

… natatapos ko ng maaga ang mga dapat kong gawin.

… nananalo sa contest!

… nakakatapos ng isang aklat.

… nakakakuha ako ng mataas na marka.

… umaakyat ako ng entablado para tumanggap ng karangalan! Yehey!

… nakikipagbiruan ako sa mga nasa paligid ko.

… nakikita ko ang pamangkin ko.

… kasama ko ang aking pamilya.

… kausap ko si mama sa phone.

… magluluto si papa ng pinakbet!

... naaalala ko ang aking mga nanay at kung gaano ko sila nami-miss.

… nakaka-usap kong muli ang mga kaibigan.

… kumakain kami sa labas.

… nakakatambay sa Starbucks kasama ang mga kaibigan.

… nakakapanood ng magandang pelikula.

… may nagtetext sa akin.

… napapatay ko ang mga boss sa Prince of Persia!

… nakakalampas ako sa mga obstacle sa mga laro sa ps3.

… namumulaklak ang mga halaman ko.

… nakakakita ako ng bulaklak.

… nakakatanggap ng bulaklak! Hahahahaha…

… nakakabili ng magandang damit.

… nakakapunta sa mga magagandang lugar.

… sumasakay ng eroplano.

… pumupunta sa mga simbahan.

… naiisip kong may mga taong tunay na nagmahal at nagmamahal sa akin.

 

Pero mas masaya ako sa tuwing:

… naririnig ko ang tawa mo.

… nakikita ang ngiti mo.

… sinasaluhan mo ako sa pagkain.

… nanunuod tayo ng sine.

… hawak mo ang mga kamay ko.

… inaakbayan kita.

… sinasamahan mo akong magsimba.

… pinupuntahan kita.

… nakaupo tayo sa Sunken Garden.

… nagkukuwentuhan ka tungkol sa mga pasyente mo.

… nalalaman kong okay ka dahil sa akin.

… pinagmamasdan kita.

… umuuwi tayo ng bahay.

… bumubuo tayo ng mga pangarap.

… inaalala ko ang mga pangarap nay un.

… nakakatanggap ka ng matataas na ebalwasyon.

… pumapasa ka sa mga pagsusulit.

… nakakamit mo ang mga pangarap mo.

… perky ka! Hehehehe.

… naglalakad tayo nang wala naming tiyak na direksyon.

… nagbibiruan tayo.

… nadidiskubre ang mga funny similarities natin sa buhay.

… naaalala ko yung muntik akong madulas sa Baguio!

… naaalala kita.

… nagtetext ka.

… nagkakabati tayo pagkatapos ng tampuhan.

… nagagawa mong espesyal ang mga simpleng bagay.

… nagiging espesyal ang mga simpleng bagay dahil andyan ka.

… naiisip ko kung gaano kita kamahal.

… sinasabi mong mahal mo ako.

… KASAMA KA.

… nagigising ako at nakikitang mahimbing ang tulog mo.

… magigising akong yakap ka.

… naaalala ko na masarap mabuhay dahil nandyan ka.

... napapasaya kita.

… nagpapasalamat sa Diyos dahil nandyan ka.

… pansamantalang puputulin ang listahang ito dahil iniisip ko na maraming pang mga bagay na madidiskubre na magpapasaya sa atin.

Sana napapasaya rin kita.

Teknolohiya at Lovelife

Sadya ngang naging impersonal ang ugnayan ng mga tao sa kasalukuyang panahon dahil na rin sa teknolohiya. Bagama't 'di maikakaila na lubos din nitong pinagaan ang pamumuhay dulot na rin marahil sa pagnanais nitong solusyunan ang mga komplikasyong siya mismo ang gumawa.

Tila masyadong naging pormal ang panimula…basagin ko na lang sa mga sumusunod na talata.

Alas 2:30 na ng umaga, Biyernes Santo. Di pa rin ako makatulog. Pilit ko kasing hinahanapan ng paliwanag kung bakit ganito kahirap ang maghintay. Ilang araw ko na rin siyang di nakikita. At sa loob ng ilang araw na 'yun ay pinagkakasya na lang namin ang sarili namin sa pagtetext – isang paraan ng pagpapadala ng mensahe gamit ang mga mobile phone. Bagamat, alam naming ang pangunahing gamit ng mga telepono ay upang literal na makipag-usap, ginagamit na ito ngayon upang magpadala ng lamang ng mensahe na tila nakikipag-usap na rin.

Sa pamamagitan ng short messaging service (SMS) na ito ay ipinapadala ang mga salitang lubos na personal at pribado kung tutuusin. "Mahal kita." "I love you." "Namimiss na kita." Mga salitang dapat sana'y binabanggit dahil sa paraang ito'y mas naipadarama ang emosyong kalakip ng mga salita. Subalit sa paglipas ng panahon, dahil na rin sa palasak na paggamit nito sa text ay unti-unti nang nawawalan ng saysay, ng emosyon. Tila mga mantra na lamang sila. Mga ordinaryong salita na unti-unti nang nawawalan ng halaga. Sapagkat, kahit ilang ulit mang makatanggap ng "I love you" nawawalan na rin ito ng silbi sapgakat, WALA NAMANG EMOSYON ANG TEXT.

Marahil, ang isa sa mga hindi kayang gawin ng teknolohiya ay ang lumikha ng emosyon. Sana hindi umabot sa panahong maging ang paggalang sa sarili at pagmamahal sa bayan ay maipapahayag na lamang sa pagitan ng text message o kaya chat. Sapagkat ilang ulit man itong i-type at ipadala, wala pa rin itong emosyong kalakip.

Random thought

In my silence and procrastination, and probably as an after effect of the Institutional Lenten Recollection we had in school last Friday, I began to understand myself as indeed searching for someone who would spend more quality time with me than someone who would lavish me with gifts nor acts of selflessness; nor someone who constantly fills my head and ego of words of affirmation; or someone who happens to enjoy me shirtless.

I am longing for someone whom I can talk to whenever I feel the need to express my self, which ever emotion I may be in at such a particular moment. Someone who enjoys talking to me than just texting or chatting with me. A person who feels it's necessary to hear my voice before the day ends just to catch up on things and not just to bid me good night.

I missed being "actually" taken care of. Patience is not one of my virtues. I hope someone is paying close attention.

Missing you

I hate not doing anything. It makes me think of weird things, sad thoughts, and bad memories. It makes me want to pick fights. It makes me crabby. It makes me unreasonable. Not doing anything makes me miss you a lot. But unfortunately, it makes me miss someone and some things from my past. Doing nothing may be a blessing for some but it’s actually a torture for me. Worse, it makes me wait. And i hate waiting. Honestly, I can’t even think sensibly right now. I can’t think and sometimes, well, in this case, I just want to stop thinking.

Old post: June 22, 2006 10:22am

A friend of mine sent me this message a couple of nights ago when i was feeling quite jaded with... life. The quote really did hit not only a nerve but a big chunk of me, therefore making me realize a few and ponder on a few things... things that have been bugging me for quite some time and causing me sleepless nights and mellow-dramatic waking moments. He told me he quoted the message from a short novel, "Kasal," his dear friend gave him. Yeah, very nice...sweet! Hah! Hmmmmm....oh how i miss such sweet gestures. Anyhow, here are two of those heart-piercing, not-your-usual kind of forwarded messages. Go ahead... Read and ponder... by the way, it's in Filipino.

"Kanina habang hinihintay namin ang pagsikat ng araw, ay tinanong naming muli ang aming mga sarili kung sino ang dapat sisihin sa patutunguhan ng aming relasyon o sa kawalan ng patutunguhan nito. Nagulat kami ng matanto namin na hindi namin kailangan maghanap ng kasalanan para tapusin lang ang aming relasyon. Pwede namang wakasan ito ng walang galit sa isa't isa, ng walang hintuturong nanduduro ng paninisi, ng walang pagkataong nawawasak, ng walang pusong nasasaktan, ng walang kaluluwang napupunit."

"TULDOK. Naghahanap ako ng tuldok sa buhay. Marami na akong mga tinapos na relasyon na hindi naman talaga nagtapos sa tuldok. AT gusto ko ng tuldukan ang mga bahaging iyon ng buhay ko. Maraming tuldok na pwedeng daanan pero hindi pala ganoon kadali mamulot ng tuldok."

Ok breathe... ahhhhhh...feels good, eh?
Wala lang... Walang third party. Sobrang busy ;lang siguro lately... I don't know. It's not something that happened or we argued about. Its how you feel... eventually, after quite some time. maybe because we've grown so used to each other that we began to treat the other as ordinary... always there... normal. that no matter what happen, we will still have each other at the end of the day. things is, it's starting to take its toll on the relationship. We've become pretty confident that we'll always have each other. Unfortunately, at this point love starts to lose its magic, it becomes unexciting. Worse, you start to ask silly questions such as: "how does a cool off situation feel? Why do some (if not most) people resort to it at some point in their relationship? what will it do to both parties?" ...or even, "Who am i?"Thanks to the help of friends, I managed to get over this PHASE. Yes, it is just a phase that lovers (or in my case, only the other half) go through. It is a stage that they have to go through... head on and hands together. Because, after all the tears and deep thoughts and varied advices, one thing resurfaces... you both love each other. i'm grateful I get to realize that early on. Or else, I would have lost what most people have been dying to have... TRUE LOVE. My baby loves me, that i know for sure. And i love him, too.

At last!

There's something good in store for those who patiently wait.

Yeah. Certainly. After months of struggling to recover my old blogger account, at exactly, 1:40 a.m. 2 April 2010 (Good Friday) I was able to recover my old account and reset my password. So instead of maintaining two accounts, I will just stick to this one and most likely just transfer my other blogs from the other account. I am so happy! At last, I've got something to make myself busy and stop "overthinking" because seriously, it's making me crazy!

So, the three posts that follow are from my other account. Read on!