one of the good things about "feeling pressure" is that it makes you realize that there's actually a solid ground under your feet.

On the Passage of Time

Went to UP and got hold of Kule (after almost a year!) and behold I came across this passage in the front page to remind me, yet again, of what I have been pondering all this time.

‎"The time in between, the now, is an interval spent on thinking about where I am headed, if indeed I want to get somewhere. It is marked by random thoughts on the passage of time, and why, always, I do not feel as if time has moved at all." [Mercado, Kule 2011]

Pagninilay sa Bisperas ng Bagong Taon

Ngayong 2011, ititigil ko na ang paghahanap ko sa sarili. Hindi pala pwedeng hanapin ang hindi naman talaga nawawala. Magpapakahusay na lang ako sa mga dapat kong gawin sa buhay. Gawing halimbawa si Lee Candelaria (naks!) May ilang buwan na lamang para magpakahusay sa pagtuturo. Pagkatapos nito, saka na ako magdedesisyon kung anong daan ang susunod na tatahakin.

Tigib ng pighati ang 2010. Kagabi hanggang kaninang umaga ay muli kong binalikan ang mga naging bahagi ng masayang pag-ibig. At tuluyang binura sa memorya ng aking mga telepono. Sana maging pagsisimula rin ito ng paglimot. Tapos na ang mga araw na nagdadalamhati at nangangarap, panahon na upang harapin ang realidad. Batid ko namang may naghihintay din sa aking magandang kapalaran. Kung saan at kailan ko ito matutunghayan, iyon ay hindi ko alam. At hindi ko rin iyon hahanapin. Kusa siyang darating sa tamang panahon at pagkakataon. Hangad ko ang kaligayan para sa mga taong nagdusa dahil sa akin. Nawa'y makamit ninyo ang kapayapaan ng damdamin sa taong darating at sa mga susunod pa.

Ibabalik ko ang dating kahusayan -- sa pag-aaral man o sa aspetong propesyunal. Muli kong paninidigan ang tungkuling iniatas at taos-puso kong tinanggap apat na taon na ang nakararaan. Isa akong guro. Nakasampa sa aking mga balikat ang mga kabataang inaasahang makapagpapabago sa lipunang matagal nang nahihimbing sa kawalan.

Kailangan ko na ring tahakin ang sarili kong daan. Ako mismo ang gagawa nito. At sisimulan ko na sa madaling panahon. Lumilipas ang oras. Ang mga pangarap ay kailangang simulang buuin. Hindi ito kusang nabubuo. Kailangan ng pagkilos. At ako mismo ang dapat gumawa noon. Gagawin ko na. Aasikasuhin ko na ang mga dapat asikasuhin sa unang buwan ng taon para anuman ang mangyari, handa na ako. May magandang kinabukasang naghihintay sa ating lahat, iyon ay isang katotohanan ng buhay. Ngunit ito ay naghihintay para sa atin. Hindi ito darating nang kusa.

Tigib ng mga salita ang isip ko ngayon. Naisin ko mang isatitik ang mga ito, alam kong kukulangin ang mga pahina at mangangalay ang mga daliri ko. Ngunit isinisigaw ito ng puso ko. Panahon na para makinig. Baguhin ang sarili. Nang sa gayon, kahit sa isang tao man lang, ay may pagbabagong nasimulan.

Nawa'y kasihan tayo ng Maykapal. Isang mapagpalaya at mapayapang Bagong Taon sa ating lahat!

I want to go to Europe. Learn French or Spanish or German or Italian and be fascinated by their culture. I want to go to strange places, meet new people, make friends with strangers, live a life far from what is secure, safe and comfortable. Be adventurous. Break old habits and learn new ones.

Discover myself and the ever elusive happiness.

A Message to a Friend

Dear Friendship, I am in such mental and emotional chaos that I'm actually prepared to fail the first sem of grad school. I'm sorry, Friendship, I went phoneless yeterday. I am still trying to work on my papers though, no matter how blurred my thoughts are. Thanks for being there. Don't worry I have no plans of killing myself. I'm too gorgeous and smart for that. Mao

How to be alone

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Sa akin lang

Namimiss ko ng maging masaya. Parang napaka-ilap naman ng kaligayahan. Hindi naman ganito dati. Hindi nga ako sanay sa ganito eh. Parang ang hirap tuloy ngayon kumilos araw-araw kasi may iniisip lagi. Pati ibang tao napapansin na rin. Siguro miserable daw lovelife ko. Hmmm... hindi naman siya "bed of roses" pero hindi rin naman ako miserable. Siguro hindi lang talaga ako sanay. Sabi nga, may kanya-kanya naman tayo ng pagiintindi at depinisyon ng pag-ibig. Marahil hindi lang kami magkatugma ng pananaw... o ng prayoridad. Ewan ko ba. Sana makaya ko. Kinakaya ko naman eh kaso mukhang matatagalan pa bago maging maayos ang lahat. Sana pagdating sa huli, andun pa rin ako. Kaso ang problema, baka sa sobrang paghahangad na makamit ang pangarap ay mawala sa atin ang isa't isa. Akala ko babae ang pinamahigpit kong magiging karibal. Hindi pala. Wala pala siyang kasarian. At dun ako lalong walang kalaban-laban.

Ayoko ng nag-iisa. Ayoko rin ng nag-iisip. Ayoko rin ng walang ginagawa kasi kung anu-ano pumapasok sa isip ko. Buti na lang hindi ko nasasabi dahil kung saka-sakali baka may mapaiyak na naman ako ng mga salita ko. Bayad-utang na ba 'tong nararanasan ko ngayon? Kung sakali man, sana ito na nga ang kabayaran sa mga nagawa ko. Dahil kung may mas malala pa rito baka bumigay na ako at masiraan ng bait.

Sana di ako magsawa. Sana di ako mapagod. Sana 'di ako nagiisa. Pagod na akong magbasa. Wala rin namang pumapasok sa isip ko kundi ikaw. Bahala na.

Missing you

I hate not doing anything. It makes me think of weird things, sad thoughts, and bad memories. It makes me want to pick fights. It makes me crabby. It makes me unreasonable. Not doing anything makes me miss you a lot. But unfortunately, it makes me miss someone and some things from my past. Doing nothing may be a blessing for some but it’s actually a torture for me. Worse, it makes me wait. And i hate waiting. Honestly, I can’t even think sensibly right now. I can’t think and sometimes, well, in this case, I just want to stop thinking.

At last!

There's something good in store for those who patiently wait.

Yeah. Certainly. After months of struggling to recover my old blogger account, at exactly, 1:40 a.m. 2 April 2010 (Good Friday) I was able to recover my old account and reset my password. So instead of maintaining two accounts, I will just stick to this one and most likely just transfer my other blogs from the other account. I am so happy! At last, I've got something to make myself busy and stop "overthinking" because seriously, it's making me crazy!

So, the three posts that follow are from my other account. Read on!

My First Day in Educ Psych

It rained that day, Not as heavy as it usually does every afternoon. But it rained enough to wet my pants and my socks and my newly-bought uniform shoes. Rhea, Jett and I even had to take two tricycles bound to Aurora Boulevard because we couldn’t fit in one or else the backrider would have been drenched by the time we get to the terminal.
Add to such discomfort was the fact that we also had to cramp ourselves to an alreay crampped jeepney. I was all-sweat, uncomfortable, barely-seated, my feet wet and my legs were aching – all because we were trying to catch our 5:30 class. Yes. A teacher rushing to and most likely being late for his first class as a student.
Indeed, November 11 marked my first day as a CPE (Certificate Program in Education) at the Marikina Polytechnic College. I enrolled three subjects this semester and the first on my schedule is EDUC 202: Educational Psychology under the amiable Professor Elizabelita B. Atienza. Although we had a hard time looking for our classroom, we easily warmed up the moment we entered the brightly-lit room and met the very pleasant teacher.
Professor Atienza introduced herself and it amazed me how accomplished she was at such a young age. I believe it’s her determination to achieve her goals which drove her to be one of the best academicians in this institution. After introducing herself, she asked the class to introduce themselves individually. Most of my classmates are already working and they are taking education units because they feel that their education lies in teaching. And in order to stay as a teacher, one has to be licensed. So this makes me no different from the rest of the class. I also need to take the licensure exams and hopefully pass it in order to stay as a teacher because teaching, I believe, is my calling.
Prof. Aienza assigned us to our groups and gave us our respective topics for our presentation. I was given a copy of the syllabus for safekeeping and reproduction. The teacher also explained to us her grading system and what she expects from her students.
The most important part of the period, however, was when we were asked to form our groups and answer and explain the riddle: I am the longest and the shortest, the fastest and slowest. I am the thing that most people waste the most, yet they need me more than anything else. What am I? My answer to the riddle which the group unanimously acceeded to be presented to the class was the following:
Time. Our group feels that time tends to be very long and dragging if it is spent idly and wastefully on matters unimportant. But it tends to become very fast-paced and shortest if spent on more worthwhile pursuits. Man unfortunately, wastes time and life as well. Especially when he is still in search of a purpose. And most of the time, realization creeps too late when he suddenly feels that he should be doing something which he truly enjoys and loves.
Generally, the class was very nice and accomodating. The teacher is also encouraging her students to participate in class discussions and commends their responses to her questions. I am hoping that this positive impression of the class will continue throughout the school year. Besides, first impressions last.

Bakit puti ang kulay ng ulap? 28 Abril 2008

Bakit puti ang kulay ng ulap? Pero kung minsan ay dumidilim ito. Sinasabi natin maitim...nangungulimlim. Nilikha siyang maputi. Nagpapakita ng kadalisayan. Sadyang napakaganda para sa mga tumitingala rito. Napakatahinik tignan...dalisay...payapa. May mga ulap na nagkukumpol-kumpol at bumubuo ng mga hugis at imahen. Tila sila bumubo ng mga pangarap.

Ngunit may mga pagkakataon na ang mga ulap ay dumidilim. Nag-aalimpuyo sa galit. Nagpapakawala ng mga kulog at kidlat. Lumuluha rin sa pamamagitan ng mga ulan. Nagbabadya rin ang mga ulap ng iba pang damdamin bukod sa kapayapaang dala ng dalisay nitong kulay.

Gaya ng mga ulap na naipaliliwanag ng agham kung bakit nagbabago ang anyo at kulay nito, ang tao rin marahil ay dumidilim, nag-iiba ng kulay. Dala na rin marahil ng mga sitwasyon at pangyayari, maging ng mga kapwa niya "ulap" na sa tuwi-tuwina'y nasasalubong sa kanyang paglalakbay sa himpapawid ang maaaring nakakapagdulot ng mga pagbabago sa kanya. O maaari rin naming dahil sa mga pagbabago sa panahon.

Ang tao'y nilikhang malinis...dalisay...at payapa. Kailan kaya siya babalik sa kanyang likas na anyo?

Masarap masdan ang mga ulap kapag ang mga ito'y payapa, maputi, tahimik. Ganun din kaya ang tao? Kung pinagmamasdan siya ngayon ng kanyang Lumikha matutuwa rin kaya siya? Ano ng nangyari sa tao at nagpatuloy yata siya sa kanyang pagdilim?

Tayo, sa tuwing pinagmamasdan natin ang mga ulap sa kalangitan sa isang maliwanag na araw at sa mga mapuputing ulap na malayang naglalakbay, hindi ba tayo nasisiyahan? Natutuwa? Nagpapasalamat? Ano kaya ang nararamdaman ng Maylikha sa atin sa tuwing pinagmamasadan niya ang taong madilim, nag-aaway, nagdidigmaan? Masarap tignan ang mga ulap kapag ang mga ito ay payapa at hindi sa tuwing nag-aalimpuyo ito sa galit. Sana maramdaman din ito ng tao. Sana...

The Joys of Summer

As of this moment, I can say that I'm having the best summer ever! Never had I experienced before an eventful summer such as this year.

Last March 31, our area (Social Studies) had our first ever S.U.S.O. It may appear sleazy but it's not! The acronym simply means, "SOcial Studies Under the Sun Outing" spearheaded and organized by nobody else more capable than Sir Poch! He even contacted the in-house artist, Sir Uly to design our shirts! See, we even had an official shirt! The group went to Club Manila East in Taytay, Rizal known for its 8-waves pool. Bianca was there with her ever mabait and cute husband, the cool and always dependable Sir Dante was also there with Ate Magz and Miss Pam, fun as always, was also there to share more bonding memories with Sir Jeff and of course the rest of the Social people which includes me, Inay Mye and Sir Poch. (Miss Neri couldn't join us)

We thought the resort won't be that crowded because it's a weekday, but NO because the entire Adamson University faculty and staff and their families were having their Family Day (or so I thought) in the resort! Anyhow, we still enjoyed our share of sun and the pool. Too bad we didn't have a lot of pictures to immortalize the event 'cos nobody brought their cams with them except of course Sir Dante. (Sir, pahingi ng kopya!!)

It was fun, trying my best to learn how to float and do my own swimming style (yeah!) thanks to Bianca and her floating lessons!

It was my first time to go to a resort since dinosaurs still roam the earth! I got to practice my weird swimming style (arms doing the breaststroke while legs, freestyle). It may be weird alright but it can still be classified as swimming since it keeps me afloat! We also had kayaking (?!) and surely joined the rest of the crowd in the resort's "imitation-of-the-beachwaves" pool where there seemed to be a Korean invasion!!! Koreans everywhere!

I know my blog today sucks and I'm partly to blame because I'm just writing this blog about the S.U.S.O. thing because I have nothing to do while the couple in front of me keeps on doing PDA!!! Seriously, get a room man! It's annoying! By the way, I'm in Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in The Block, waiting for a phone call from DJ's sister who seems to be very busy right now. And while pondering on whether I'll go jogging again tonight in UP or just watch Collateral on my lappie, it suddenly came to me that I'm wasting time here when I should be home by now fixing my laundry.

With that, I'm ending this blog. And by the way, the couple left just now. Amazing!

By the way, this is just the first phase of my summer escapade! There's more to come!

My mind goes off blank part 3

Monday, March 24, 2008
I so hate having to go through a lot just to access my blogs. though honestly, I am to be blamed solely for creating multiple blogs and so now I'm trying to link my other blogs with this one...and so here. i'm talking nonsense. (I know, right!)here's my other blog by the way, http://dreamweaver-chronicles.blogspot.com
Labels: Of Multiple Blog Accounts
posted by d' sandman interpreter 7:19 PM 0 comments links to this post

Can't Think of Any

Its been three days already since classes were suspended because of the typhoon, or more accurately, because of heavy rains caused by the typhoon on the southwest monsoon. Instead of going to school and working on my LP's and first quarter grades, not to mention checking quizzes and reading the various notes my students have scribbled on their quiz notebooks, I'm stuck here in front of my PC trying to think clearly... I'm trying to make my LP for next week but I seem to not know where and how to start!

I'm having a hard time putting myself in "working mode" especially when I realize that a warm and comfy bed is waiting for me upstairs...beckoning me to get under the sheets and start dreaming!!! Or when i catch a glimpse of the my brother playing ps2 or the food on the fridge!

That's why I'd rather go to school even on Saturdays just to do "teacher work" because I find the faculty room conducive to working. All of a sudden I miss my carrel...

Now, my mind goes off blank.